She came to our session after several postponements and cancellations. I could tell that something was troubling her deeply. Her voice on the phone had suggested a dynamic woman, someone who moves at a fast pace, juggling daily life and struggling with something difficult within her.
“I’ll tell you my issue face to face,” she said hesitantly, after a brief phone introduction.
On the day she finally arrived, after many delays (nothing is random in therapy, we say), I was met by a beautiful, brave, and dynamic woman in her early 50s.
The woman was divorced with three children from her first marriage and had been remarried to a new partner for the past 10 years. He had met her children when her eldest daughter was already in her teens (around 14 years old).
To cut to the chase, her issue was that her husband had been having a romantic, sexual relationship with her daughter for the past two years (the daughter is now an adult). This shocking revelation was accompanied by anger, guilt, sorrow, and a heavy burden of self-blame.
When I asked her why she hadn’t sought help earlier and had carried this burden alone for so many years, she told me: “Because I didn’t have the courage to face it.” It seemed she had understood their relationship for a while but couldn’t bring herself to admit it, not even to herself. So, she turned a blind eye…
Where to begin?
The position of the daughter, who found herself in the role of the “victim,” unable to resist the sexual advances of her stepfather—and the object of her mother’s desire—automatically placed her in the role of the “perpetrator” against her mother, perhaps repeating old parental patterns.
Who could she talk to? What could she say when she was afraid of losing the main financial supporter of her (step)family? And what could she say when, deep down, she felt flattered that an older, charming man offered her his romantic admiration, albeit in a sick and inappropriate way, as we might say from the outside.
Yet, she saw that in this way, she could become equal to her mother, even if only for a little while. To take her place in the house, to enjoy some of the joy and pleasure of her adult fantasies. And yes, as unconventional as it may sound, to punish her mother for her unfair attitude toward her and her siblings, for divorcing her beloved father and cutting off communication with him. After all, she had always been the “black sheep of the family”…
Silence… Silence and complicity.
The position of the “stepfather.” He fell in love with a woman his own age, with children and many burdens from her previous marriage. He wanted his own family, which she couldn’t give him because she had already taken on many responsibilities from her own. His thoughts might have gone something like this: “At first, I was in love with her, we had a good time. But then she stopped being feminine (the wife). All day, it was work, home, kids. And in the end, I’m very decent. I feed them, I take care of them all, and I don’t even hear a thank you. And that little b@@@@h, she walks around the house all day like a Lolita in her hot shorts and crop tops. After all, she’s not even related to me. She’s a real woman, and I’m a man, I got carried away. In the end, if she wanted to, she could have said no. But she liked it too, otherwise why would she let me?”
Such thoughts pass through his sick mind, as some of us might see it from the outside. His libidinous, domineering impulse is beyond any logic. The supposed “superiority” of the male gender, generalizations about female patterns, sexist behavior as a result of an entire culture of using women, the standards of interaction in a male-female relationship, are all there, dancing to suggest that she wasn’t the right choice from the mother’s side, neither for her nor for her family. But what can he say? Half the shame is his, half is hers…
Silence and complicity…
The position of the “mother,” perhaps the most difficult of all. She had a hard time in her first marriage. She had three children, burdened with everything. Her ex-husband was indifferent. She managed to leave her first marriage at some point after falling in love with a man who finally gave her the attention she needed to feel like a woman again. At first, he was very much in love with her too. So, she decided to leave. And to marry him.
Charming, generous (she never thought about what the “exchange” would be), a passionate lover, sociable, he seemed to have some qualities that would ensure her a better life. She knew he was a bit of a brute, but “he’s a man, what can you do?”
Here come the negative stereotypes of both about gender roles, and the silent contract of the relationship is formed: “I’ll accept some nonsense, as long as you never leave me!” It seems the two of them have secretly agreed. She works endless hours so as not to burden her new husband and to keep everyone in order. To be able to educate her children, take care of her home, and not fail again in life.
Her relationship with her daughter is terrible. Since she divorced her father, the little one seems to have never forgiven her. She was his favorite, and now she’s lost that position, as he (her father) has gotten angry and doesn’t talk much to them since they left the house. Nor is he present in her life as much as the little one would like.
And the daughter believes that her mother is to blame for everything! She works from morning till night and doesn’t attend to the real needs of her children. “Only love interests her,” the daughter seems to say. Here comes the subconscious jealousy of the two females, which, while in the biological family is smoothed over by paternal love and the clear differentiation from conjugal love, in the stepfamily, where there is no clear bond, nor is the chosen bond legitimized, creates entanglement.
And what is this mother to do?
How is the mother to realize all of the above? How is it to be said? And when? There’s no time… She works from morning till night to keep everyone satisfied. To make it all work. She can’t understand that realizing her helplessness might be the solution to some other problem.
She can’t connect with her weak side. She’s not allowed to! Nor does she allow herself another mistake. She’s an educated woman, what will she say to the world? The threat of social stigma in case of a second mistake is there.
So, she swallows, drowns in tons of cigarettes and alcohol her suspicions, fears, and anxiety. Whatever will be, will be. “This is my fate. Men, they’re all the same.” Even when the story of her daughter and her husband came to light… what could she say? “He’ll stay there, the b@@@@d, to pay as much as he can, until I raise my other children! I hate him, but I can’t manage without him!” “Better a man, even like this, than a woman alone and having suffered such a thing! And the child? What will people say if it gets out? That I have a wh@@@@ daughter and that I’m stupid for marrying him? Oh no no no!” Social stigma is one of the biggest fears in these cases.
Silence and complicity…
Relationships in stepfamilies are even more complicated and require maturity and a deeper level of awareness of the choice of bond between the members. The verdict is not easy to reach, nor can we simply point the finger at the guilty party. Perpetrator, victim, and rescuer exchange positions, dancing in the vicious cycle of abuse. Silence and complicity seem like a safe solution. “I’m silent for the good of my child. It will pass. Patience, and everything will change one day.”
Except that things don’t change on their own. For things to change, we must change. We must find the strength to stand naked in front of ourselves. In our choices, our mistakes, but also our truths. To see what we want and how we can achieve it. To do the work of “weeding out,” as I call it, with the past. To find the strength to create new habits. To truly support ourselves.
Admitting weakness is strength.
Stop crying and start speaking!
Break your silence and speak. Speak about what weighs you down. Free yourself, because no one will come to do it for you.
Only you can help yourself. And then all the help you need will find its way to you. There is no wrong or right time to do it. There is only the liberation your soul is asking for.
WE ARE ALL HERE TO LISTEN TO YOU!
Stop crying and start speaking!
WITH LOVE,
DR. KATE